Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 31 of Funny Quotes.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes.

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Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

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Undermine the entire economic structure of society by leaving the pay toilet door ajar so the next person can get in free.

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Unless each day can be looked back upon by an individual as one in which he has had some fun, some joy, some real satisfaction, that day is a loss.’ Anonymous

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Vice knows she’s ugly, so puts on her mask.

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Wagner”s music is better than it sounds.

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We absolutely annihilated England. It was a massacre.

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We are an impossibility in an impossible universe.

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We can’t all be heroes because someone has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

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We expect the Salvadorean officials to work towards the extremination of human rights.

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We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

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We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

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We owe a lot to Thomas Edison ‘ if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.- Milton Berle

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We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.

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We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect.

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Well, Clive, it’s all about the two M’s – movement and positioning.

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We’ve just marked our tenth wedding aniversary on the calendar and threw darts at it.

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What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out.

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What came first the chicken or the egg?

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What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 30 of Funny Quotes.

There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

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There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

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There are three ways of losing money: Racing is the quickest, women the most pleasant, and farming the most certain.

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.- Bill Cosby

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There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.- Coco Chanel

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There’s no half-singing in the shower, you’re either a rock star or an opera diva.- Josh Groban

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There’s nobody fitter at his age, except maybe Raquel Welch.

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There’s two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither one works.

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They say the truth will set you free. But then why is it that every time I tell the truth I get sent to my room?

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They were a people so primitive they did not know how to get money, except by working for it.

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Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become their property that they may more perfectly respect it.

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Those who can do, those who can’t teach.

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Time is God’s way to keep everything from happening at once.

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To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.

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To make a million, start with $900,000.

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To me, clowns aren”t funny. In fact, they”re kinda scary. I”ve wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.

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To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.- Woody Allen

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Traditionally most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.- Keppel Enderbery

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Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.- Joan Rivers

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 29 of Funny Quotes.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

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The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is any body’s guess.- James Thurber

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The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep.

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The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. Jeff Foxworthy quotes

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The radio has no future!- Lord Kelvin

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The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.

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The right honourable gentleman is reminiscent of a poker. The only difference is that a poker gives off the occasional signs of warmth.

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The secret of longevity is to keep breathing.

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The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.- Carl Gustav Jung

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The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.- Woody Allen

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The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.- Anonymous

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The superfluous, a very necessary thing.

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The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!

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The tiger can”t change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!

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The trouble with young writers is that they are all in their sixties.

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The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything.

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The two basic items necessary to sustain life are sunshine and coconut milk.

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The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

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The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.

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Then he’s got the little beard going on. He’s like Lord Of The Rings, the entire cast. Michael’s about to jump species.

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 28 of Funny Quotes.

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.- Bob Varsha

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The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out grossing my films.- Paul Newman

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The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

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The function of socialism is to raise suffering to a higher level.

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The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs.

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The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.

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The government’s income policy is as significant as a blush on a dead man’s cheek.

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The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.- Polish Proverb

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The greatest misfortune that ever befell man was the invention of printing.

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The hardest thing in the world to understand is income tax.

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The House of Commons is the longest running farce in the West End.

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The keeper was unsighted – he still didn’t see it.

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The last sound on the worthless earth will be two human beings trying to launch a homemade spaceship and already quarreling about where they are going next.

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The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

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The man who says his wife can’t take a joke, forgets that she took him.- Oscar Wilde

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The midfield is outnumbered numerically.

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The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I’m from the government and I’m here to help.

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The one advantage of playing with fire…is that no one ever gets singed. It is the people who don’t know how to play with it who get burned up.’ Oscar Wilde

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The only reason I made a commercial for American Express was to pay for my American Express bill.

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The only reason I played golf was so that I could afford to go hunting and fishing. Sam Snead quotes

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 27 of Funny Quotes.

Shouldn’t we be afraid of the sudden stop?

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Silence is golden but duck tape is silver.- Anonymous

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Since we see little birdies when we just get knocked out, what do little birdies see when they just get knocked out?

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Since you have to pull over when you see a funeral coming down the road…what would you do if there were a funeral coming down both sides?

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Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –His reply The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they’re going to be when you kill them.

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Some guy hit my fender and I said ‘be fruitful and multiply’ but not in those words.- Woody Allen

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Somebody hits me, I’m going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn’t eaten in a while. {after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics}.

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Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. Calvin & Hobbes quotes

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Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.- Julie Andrews

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Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!- Monty Python

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Suicide is cheating the doctor’s out of a job.

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Talk to a man about himself and he will listen for hours.

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Television has brought back murder into the home – where it belongs.

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Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.

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That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.- Proverb

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The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.- Italian Proverb

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The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.

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The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.- Anonymous

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The consumer isn’t a moron; she is your wife.

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The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 26 of Funny Quotes.

People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.’ Dale Carnegie

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People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don’t realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

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Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs.

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Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!

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Publication is a self-invasion of privacy.

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Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

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Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.

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Relax? How can anybody relax and play golf? You have to grip the club, don’t you? Ben Hogan quotes

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Revolution is a trivial shift in the emphasis of suffering.

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Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he’d lie just to keep his hand in.

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Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.- Anonymous

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Sacred cows make the best hamburger.- Mark Twain

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Save the Trees?…Trees are the main cause of Forest Fires!

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Scholes and Van Nistelrooy drugged the last two defenders.

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See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams quotes

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Sex at the age of eighty-four is a wonderful experience. Especially the one in the winter.

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Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

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Shouldn’t it be called a ‘near hit’?

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Shouldn’t it be some things in moderation?

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Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for ‘monosyllabic’?

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 25 of Funny Quotes.

On another night, they’d have won 2-2.

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On the other hand you have different fingers.

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On the periodic table, why do some elements have symbols with letters that aren’t even in the word?

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Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ….. do you think we’ll ever find them? He said … I don’t know kid …. there are so many places they can hide.

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One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.- Groucho Marx

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One of the strange things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.

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Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. Oscar Wilde quotes

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Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.- G.W. Hegel

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Operator, give me the number for 911!- Homer J Simpson

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Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

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Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

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Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

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Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.

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Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.

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Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

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People always ask me, ‘Were you funny as a child?’ Well, no, I was an accountant.

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People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

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People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.

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People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.- Anonymous

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People generally quarrel because they cannot argue.

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 24 of Funny Quotes.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

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My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

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My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.

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Never fight an inanimate object.

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Never floss with a stranger.

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Never have more children than you have car windows.

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Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

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Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

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Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.- Dave Barry

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Never wear anything that panics the cat.

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No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.- Orville Wright

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No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven’t done.’ Ogden Nash

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Not by wrath does one kill, but by laughter.

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Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.

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Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He’s an East German Shepherd.

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O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.

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Oh, the tiger will love you. There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

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Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar. Drew Carey quotes

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Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.

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On a tombstone: I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 23 of Funny Quotes.

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.- Tom Wilson

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Most fools think they are only ignorant.

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Most of the time I don”t have much fun. The rest of the time I don”t have any fun at all.

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Most of us are about as happy as we make our minds up to be.’ Abraham Lincoln

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Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.- Anonymous

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My apartment was robbed and everything was replaced with exact replicas…I told my roommate and he said ‘Do I know you?’

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My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

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My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic.

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My father hated radio and he could not wait for television to be invented so that he could hate that too.- Peter De Vries

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My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.- Steve Buscemi

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My folks first met on the subway trying to pick each others pockets.

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My formula for success is rise early, work late and strike oil.

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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is.

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My inner child is not wounded.

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My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’ Paula Poundstone quotes

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My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.- Anonymous

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My parents used to take me to Lewis’ department store in Glasgow. They were skinflints, they used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was the zoo.

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My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.- Woody Allen

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My psychiatrist told me I’m going crazy. I told him …. If you don’t mind I’d like a second opinion. He said …. Alright…. you’re ugly too!

Jun 162013
 

Comprehensive collection of Funny Quotes. The compilation includes some good quality text submitted by users. Browse through our nice repository of Funny Quotes with latest and new quotes being added quite often. You will find unique quotes and sayings which you can rate and review. Explore best and rare collection of Funny Quotes here, select any text from the wide range and share or send using mobile. Apart from general Funny Quotes, the collection also includes some popular Funny Quotes. You can help us to enrich this collection of Funny Quotes by sending and submitting more messages from your collection to us and by providing nice ideas. This is Part – 22 of Funny Quotes.

Life is just one damned thing after another.- Erbert Hubbard

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Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.- Dan Castellaneta

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Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. Matt Groening quotes

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Love is the answer, but while you”re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

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Make crime pay – become a lawyer.

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Making a speech on economics is a bit like pissing down your leg. It seems hot to you but never to anyone else.

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Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.’ Woody Allen

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Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.- Anonymous

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Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.- Dan Castellaneta

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Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

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Me fail english Thats unpossible.- Matt Groening

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Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.

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Mission criticality does not imply criticality of mission.- John Alejandro King

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Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.

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Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

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Money can”t buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

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Money doesn”t make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million. — Arnold Schwarzenegger # Money won”t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.

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Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

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Money isn’t everything, but it’s a long way ahead of what comes next.

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More and more these days I find myself pondering how to reconcile my net income with my gross habits.